Let's Catch Up and Commit to the Future

August 20th, 2011 was almost three years ago.
If you look on my post from that day, it discussed how this blog had expanded to over 2000+ posts, and how I realized just how convoluted the majority of them were, so I cut it down by ninety percent to 200 posts.  I didn't realize at that time, that I also beginning to cut down my presence here all together.  Over the next few months, my only status updates involved when I published a new chapter in my novel (posts which have mostly been removed, because they just don't matter now) or posts discussing the progress of my character in the video game "Star Wars The Old Republic" (posts which have also been removed now, because who really cares?!?).

With all of that said, I've hit a point in my life where I am pretty unhappy - and I don't really have a reason to be like this.  Therefore, in an attempt to change my mental state, I'm attempting to commit myself to writing something everyday - and once again using this blog as a place to do it.  Unlike year ago, I don't mean writing "Bayern Munich scores, Bastian Schweinsteiger was awesome!" and going into match details.  I legitimately mean that I am going to attempt to create some kind of content to post here each day.  It might be a film review, or a discussion of TV series, or a recap of some event that I recently went to.  It might be a bunch of pictures that I go out and take one day, or it might be story concept for books or movies I'd love to create.  Something.  Anything.  Something to make my mind work and my fingers type.  For far too long, I am told people that I was a writer.  I wrote films, I wrote novels (none of which I ever finished), I wrote short stories.  I claimed to be a writer, but then I also feel into the glorified lifestyle I expected from being a writer.  The lifestyle of Hunter S. Thompson or Jack Kerouac, that debaucherous self-indulgent larger-than-life consumption that I thought I required to improve my writing.  Even now, as I sit here outside on the back patio listening to the sounds of the night, I had to open a beer to be my writing crutch.  But it's a double-edged sword lifestyle, because those late night have led to many mornings and days that I didn't want to get out of bed, and just chose to be lethargic and complacent to not accomplishing anything with my day.

I need a change, this is will hopefully be my fresh start.
I need a new place to vent.  My decline in writing blogs was very much influenced by my joining Facebook.  This blog was MY PLACE, my place to put up pictures of my life and where I went on vacation.  I could talk about sports.  I could talk about movies I liked and link to trailers that I wanted to share with my friends.  Every single one of those uses where packaged together and sold to me in the form of Facebook.  One stop shop.  One place to do everything I just talked about - and be ever connected to all of my friends.  While this blog was my place, it required people to go out of their way to hear my voice, or it required me to solicit people to pop their heads in see what I wanted to share.  Facebook didn't require that, it gave the people what I wanted them to see.  And thus, I started using status updates to convey my thoughts, and basically delivered watered-down CliffsNotes versions of what I wanted to talk about.  I've been doing my best to limit my presence on Facebook.  I feel that it's becoming very overwhelming and too much of an addiction.  Twice in the last three years, I've taken sabbaticals from Facebook.  Both lasted less than a month, and in those times I learned how much Facebook controlled my life.  I couldn't see my IMDb ratings - because all 2000+ of them were linked to my Facebook account.  And this isn't an Anti-Facebook thing in any way, this was just a personal moment where I learned how addicted to it I was, and I wanted to step away, back up and make sure I could still live my life without - but it is difficult.

I recently had my thirty-fourth birthday, which was a day that I honestly never expected that I would hit.  I was seventeen years old when Chris Farley died, and in my teenage years, I was a very huge fan of Saturday Night Live.  Comedy Central re-ran the late 80s and early 90s ones, and every Saturday night I would set up the VCR to record the current one.  I was obsessed with Sandler, Myers, Carvey, Spade, Farley, MacDonald, Schneider, Nealon, and so many others.  So, the death of Chris Farley really hit me hard and I didn't know how to deal with.  I felt that at 17, I was having a mid-life crisis, which meant that I too would die at the age of 33.  It was a recurring fear that somehow managed to plant its seed in my subconscious, where it continued to grow and grow for years to come, leading me to make some pretty foolish life choices along the way, thinking that it would not matter in the near future.  I've now crossed this bridge, accepted that my life will still be going on, and I need to start coming to terms with a lot of the fallout from these life choices.  I lack a college education, I lack career that I enjoy, and I need to seriously work on my health.

I've gotten lazy in my life.  Very lazy.  I've been more than happy to come home, pop down on the couch, eat some junk food and watch stuff on the television all night.  That's not to say that I lack a social life, or don't go out.  But, more often than not, I'll spend my free time sitting around doing nothing filling my brain with more and more entertainment value than anything else, and that's a currency that isn't worth very much.  I need to change that.  I recently moved, and the only downside to my move was that at my old apartment, I had come up with a nice four mile loop around the neighborhood for me to walk my dog and listen to a Nerdist Podcast each night - as the four miles took almost exactly an hour to complete, the timing was almost always perfect.  In the last month, I not longer walk those four miles a day.  As previously stated, I spend a lot of time on the couch, watching television or movies while spending hours playing my Star Wars game or Words With Friends, or any other number of iOS based games that were addictive and required hours of my time.  And I was happy with it, so happy that my XBOX rarely gets used anymore.  Every now and then I'll kick it on to knock out another level or two or a game, but what used to take up hours of my night - playing Halo with many of my friends - has almost completely been replaced.  Since my move, I've been cutting back my video game playing, but not replacing the time with anything productive.  That's something that needs to change.

Change.  That seems to be the mantra I'm going for in this post-thirty-four lifestyle.  I need change, and some big ones.  First, is my commitment to this blog, and writing again.  Someday I need to get back to work on "Perfect Life For Large Price".  Sadly, working on it hit a major roadblock at a bad point in my life, and I don't try hard enough to push past that.  I'm also realizing how much I am allowing my current employment to mentally drain me.  It's very hard for me to work with some of the people I have to work with, and that mentally drains me.  I want to be successful, I want to help make my place of employment successful, but when bitching and complaining are all I hear non-stop, it makes it too easy to tune it out and stop caring.  I need to work for positive and motivational people - not people who love focusing on the negative and complain about how things aren't done perfectly to their liking, despite getting the job done more efficiently.  My current place of employment take a serious mental toll on me that it shouldn't - but I was raised with a very solid work ethic, that causes me to feel guilty about not trying my hardest.  I've tried riding it out as long as I could, I really enjoy the company and they take good care of me - but that is something that is in my control to change, and I need to make something happen.  I need to find a job that I'm not only passionate about, but one that can help make me feel productive in this world.

And speaking of this world - I want to travel more.  I was lucky enough to spend my birthday in Arizona with two great friends and even met Nathan Fillion that day!  It was a wonderful time, and so relaxing to be free from the burdens of normal life.  This trip was also something that wasn't as plausible before the move I keep talking about.  I've been lucky enough to move into a house owned by a good friend of mine,and she has two dogs of her own.  I loved living alone, it was very nice and it gave me a serious sense of accomplishment in life, being able to be self-sufficient.  However, the financial burden was taking a serious toll on me, and I had to be extra responsible for taking care of the life of my puppy.  All of that changed with this move.  I now have the luxury of an amazing roommate, who is more than willing to help in the care of my dog, along with her own.  I am also blessed to have greatly reduced my living expenses - which will allow for some more freedom in traveling.

Travel.  Travel.  Travel.  It's what I have always loved, and I've been somewhat inspired by what my friend Mandie recently did.  After being laid off from her corporate job, she packed up to travel the world and BLOG ABOUT IT.  Now, I'm not to think that I could make that same jump at this point in my life, but I have been inspired to attempt to do more to see the world.  I've toyed with the idea of looking into working for a cruise line or an airline.  I'm always a little slow and hesitant with making large life choices - which is odd, because I'll do the most impulsive and insane things in the moment - but something like this I always wade in slowly with reservations.  I'm poking my head around the internet and seeing what jobs are out there, and what I might think I'd like to try to do.  I'm also a person who gets very dejected over rejection, and that causes me to be much more careful and selective in what I attempt to pursue, most likely to a fault.

I have already failed at my 2014 New Year's Resolution.
However, I now am putting for a few new things for me to try.
1.  Write something.  Every.  Day.
2.  Travel.  Visit friends in other cities.  Go to a European country soon.
3.  Find a way to get paid for either writing or traveling.  Make a future built on doing something I am passionate about for a living.

So, hopefully this site will begin to be populated with some original short stories, ideas, concepts, anything I'm thinking about potentially turning into a project.  Or maybe just a quick update on a project of some other kind that I am working on.  There are more definitely going to be film reviews.  I need to exercise my mind and my fingers just as much as I need to get on a bike or a treadmill.

I just spend ninety minutes writing, but I created 2100 words that were previously just floating around in my brain.  I gave them a home.  And the more words I give homes to, the more free space I have to come up with new words to put together.  I hope I can stick with this.

Preface to My Next Post

When I first started this blog, so many moons ago, my first posting was a review of "Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith". From there, I reviewed a bunch of movies, sometimes just a few quick sentences, sometimes long, winded commentaries about why I loved them - and loved hearing myself talk/think/type.

Then, I got vocal about sports. Analyzing the Colts, Pacers, Bayern Munich, tennis, World Cup, blah, blah, blah. I just liked writing (and babbling on my soapbox) about topics I was passionate about.

Then, I wanted to be a media mogul, so every morning I would spend hours surfing my favorite websites and gathering all of the bits of news that mattered to me, and that I wanted to comment on - and then I'd compile them all here.

Then, I started working a day job where I spent 8-10 hours a day sitting at a computer typing and entering data. Once I got home, I wanted to be anywhere but in front of any computer screen or keyboard. That's when the lull in my blog first began.

Then, I decided to start writing my novel, and the only times I would post here was when I published another chapter online.

At some point this year - I can't remember exactly when - I was looking at my blog and on one hand, I was proud to have over 2,000 postings. Then, I just realized, the majority of them were nothing. Boring, pointless, insane rants without purpose. Links to random things that we're relevant anymore. I had tons of mobile updates recording Bayern Munich or Bastian Schweinsteiger goals.

Basically, I realized my blog was lame, and had LOTS of "fat" that needed to be trimmed off of it. So, at whatever random point (I honestly believe it took me three days to complete), I deleted around 1,800-ish blog posting to put myself at a much thinner 200-ish posts.

I kept all of my film reviews, because I do care about my thoughts and feelings on films, and I kept some other blogs that I feel like I actually took a lot of time to prepare and write, but I made a much more concise version of myself available online. [A number of my blogs were just intense/insane rants about things that I found annoying (usually people I didn't like) and I just wouldn't shut up. Blah, blah, blah, I'm just going to run my mouth because this is my forum to do so... It was lame.]

Recently, I've been writing a little more often. I missed my deadline of finishing "Perfect Life For Large Price" in one year, so I've set the goal at two years now. I'm over halfway, and I'm about ten chapters away from a cliffhanger, where I will stop publishing online, and try to finish it up, get someone to edit/revise it for me, and then try to find the best avenue to publish it.

While I don't force myself enough to make the time to write the novel, I do still want to write more often. I just know that each chapter I write has a lot of research to do, geographical and facts related to previous chapters. So, it's a lot more difficult than early chapters, where I was writing the continuity - now I have to make sure everything I write now fits properly. So, that's a wee bit of extra time when I write.

I've recently been having the itchy urge to write film reviews more often. However, not on the I-Want-To-Do-This-Professionally Level that I previously did, where I often felt like I needed to kick out a 2,000 word thesis on each film that I saw, while citing references to previous cinema. Instead, I really just kind of want to share some feelings on the flicks that I feel like devoting my time to writing about.

So, today, I'm planning on writing up some short (for me) pieces about "Another Earth" and "One Day". So, I'm going to go get started on that now.

A Few Days Late

Jason told me I needed to set a reminder on my phone, but I forgot, and now I am ten days late with this post.

Castleton Arts has been closed for FIVE years (and ten days) now.

Here is the article I wrote the first day I couldn't go visit the theatre.

It chronicles a lot of my experience there, the people I met, the films I shot there, and the premiere of "Consternate". It' pretty emotional reading, and lots of memories for me. I'm glad I've got this blog to go back to.

I Didn't Even Get To Count Backwards

Nurse: "Hey there, how are you feeling?"
Me: "I didn't even get to count backwards..."

That's the first thing I remember after waking up from the anesthesia. And I'm not lying, I at that point, I was really bummed that they never asked me to count backwards. But it didn't matter for long, because I began to come to and realized that my surgery was over, and I was on my way to physically returning to "normal".

But, that's the end of the story. We've got a lot to cover before that.

This story goes all the way back to 2004.
In February of 2004 - FIVE years ago - I become involved with a group of guys who started an inline hockey league here in Indianapolis. I hadn't played serious hockey in years, and I was happy about gettin

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g back into shape, and playing a sport that I loved. We played for six months, all the way into August. We cleaned out a ice rink on the southside of Indianapolis, and played on the concrete under a real rink. We had boards and benches, and it all worked out perfectly.

Sometime during those six months, the pain began.
It was just something minor, on my left side, lower abdomen. Just a little pinch. Nothing serious, and it didn't happen all the time. It was most painful right after playing hockey, and would normally go away after a few hours. Randomly, it would flare up here and there, but nothing common.

Post hockey, the pain seemed to go away. I eventually just assumed it was to be attributed to me being out of shape, and it was my old body telling me that I needed to work out more.

The first physical sign was in late 2004. I was still working at Kerasotes, and I remember going to the bathroom, when I noticed that there was some kind of bulge in my groin area. Nothing big, and it didn't really hurt, but it was only on one side, and it was kind of awkward. In my personal denial, I once again chalked it up to being out of shape, and convinced myself that I needed to exercise more and it would "melt" away - like the fat in my stomach I was trying to get rid of.

2004 and was the last year that I was physically "active" at my job. Once I left Kerasotes and went to Republic Theatres - I was basically in a desk job, which required very little standing. Aside from getting change for my employees, or the occasional shift time on Box Office, I didn't do much standing. Even when I ran the booth, we had a chair upstairs, so I had plenty of time to sit down. After the hockey incident, and the pain, I had kind of given up any physical activities for a while.

2005 went by with just the occasional flare-up of pain, but nothing serious or noteworthy.

The came 2006. The year when everything changed for the worse in my life.
It was March of 2006, and I remember waking up in bed one morning with a serious pain in my groin. I reached my hand down and felt myself, but didn't feel anything out of the ordinary. Then, I stood up to go to the bathroom, and gravity took over the insides of my body, and I felt "something" inside of my "move" - OR - "slide" downward through my groin area. I freaked out. It obviously was NOT normal, and it hurt badly. After going to the bathroom, I laid back down, and could once again feel my insides (which I have since learned were my intestines...) "slide" back around inside of me, and upon my personal examination, I seemed to be back to normal.

The odd thing, after the first time, it didn't happen every time. I don't know if things got "mixed up" inside of me, and gravity couldn't always pull it down, or what, but sometimes I would be "normal" and other times I would have a large bulging mass in my groin. It was not a fun time.

To top matters off, things with Kristen were well on their road to demise. We hadn't been having sex for some time, so it wasn't something she ever knew about, saw, or felt. Sadly, that's definitely a bad thing - because with her personality, she would have forced me to go to the doctor - despite my hatred/fear of them. And I probably would have had this fixed in March of 2006.

Instead, I kept it all to myself, and ultimately screwed myself over.

While married, I was on Kristen's insurance, and she worked for an insurance company - so from what I remember her benefits rocked, or so I was told. Kristen and I split up in April of 2006, and by June of 2006, I could tell that something was seriously wrong with the inside of my body. Despite Kristen and I's hatred towards each other at the time - I reached out with a small amount of hope. I sent her a text message in June that said, "By any chance, am I still on your insurance? If so, I need help." She was kind enough to respond, but her response was "No, I took you off a while ago." Fair enough. Once she knew she was going to file the divorce paperwork, why would she leave her soon to be ex-husband on her insurance plan? I don't blame her for it, it was all just some seriously bad timing in life. Had Kristen and I not been so unhappy together, and fighting so often, and been devoid of all sexual contact - then it's probable to assume that this would have been resolved in 2006, and would have been paid for by insurance.

But, that's not how the cards of my life played out. Instead, I was in a bad marriage and it ended in a way that prevented me from getting it fixed at that time. So, I was forced to move on in life, and live with the pain. I call 2006, "The Year of Naproxin Sodium". It was the painkiller of choice at that time. Despite the pain, after my divorce, I was attempting to get healthier and back in shape, so in April, May and June, Jason and I were going out and playing a lot of basketball (until his move out of the state). Yes, it hurt, but somewhere in the denial of my own mind, I thought that maybe if I lost weight, this whole thing would go away. I was dumb, and I can admit it. To make matters worse, I decided to begin using a weight-loss pill, and I bought a lot of them. It was around this time - July/August of 2006, that I noticed the bulge was growing in size and getting more painful. One day, when I was taking the weight-loss pills, I decided to read the box, at which point it informed me - the reader - not to use the product if there was a family history of hernias (among other things). At this point, I had no idea if there was any hernia history in my family - but I began doing my own personal research into hernias, along with Sports Hernias, which is how this whole thing began. Sports hernias are very common amongst hockey players, so there's no real telling when this whole thing was set into motion. It could have been many, many years ago in high school - who knows? I immediately discontinued using the pills. 2006 went on, and so did the pain.

2007 was "The Year of Advil". After so many months of using Naproxin Sodium, I was up well over 10,00mgs a day. They basically became candy to me, and I needed that many for my body to even function daily. So, I finally switched over to Advil, which I could get by with roughly six Extra Strength Advil a day. Over the course of the year, that number got larger and larger.

February 15th of 2007 was the first day I made any public knowledge of my situation.
I believe I finally broke down and told my parents a day or two beforehand, and then finally blogged about it on the 15th - almost two years ago. I remember that day vividly, as I was working at Fazetron-STTV, and standing in the lobby of my store, while talking to Jason on the phone. He had read my blog, and called me, and I broke down crying on the phone to him. He was the first friend I opened up to about the situation. A number of other friends asked about it, but I told them I didn't want to talk about it until after it was resolved. In some ways, I've been writing this blog since that day - in my head. I honestly never planned on it taking this long to get myself fixed. I was wrong.

The biggest issue was the fact that in my research, I learned that Insurance Companies consider hernias a "pre-existing" condition, therefore they won't cover it if it was present before my insurance coverage started - this is why being on Kristen's Insurance, while the bulge was small, was my only hope of getting any insurance company to pay for it. I remember in late 2007, my friend Matt had hernia surgery, and it was a fiasco with him, because our insurance company for the movie theatre tried to claim it was "pre-existing" and they didn't want to pay it. I remember him telling me about the battle that it took to get them to pay. This scared me, and made me realize that I really had no chance of getting anyone else to pay for it.

2008 became known as "The Year of Acetaminophen". 500mg tablets of Extra Strength Tylenol became my best friends. I'd take six in the morning, six in the afternoon, and six in the evening by the end of the year. That's 9,000mgs of acetaminophen each day.

Yes, I can admit that I have a problem. I have been addicted to painkillers for a long, long time. They make the pain go away, and that's all I wanted and needed. That's going to be the next phase of my life, is trying to make sure I can get myself off painkillers, and convince myself that I don't need them anymore. But, that's a different battle for a different day - and I'm getting off on a tangent again.

January to September of 2008 were life as "normal" - still at the theatre, still without insurance, still in pain - but I was still at my sit behind a desk job, walk around whenever I felt the need to. It helped keep the pain to a minimal, and I was able to survive. Then came the wonderful news that I was being let go from my job, which ultimately led me to employment at The Spot. And while I love my job so much, it's a complete change from what I used to do. This job requires me to stand for long periods of time, and be constantly moving. Within just the first few months of working there, I noticed that the bulge in my groin was getting larger and larger and more and more painful.

New Year's Eve of 2009 was the day that forced everything to change. I went to work at 6pm, and didn't get home until 6:30am. I take a nap, and then when I woke up I climbed into a nice, hot bath. I was sore. I was in pain. An insanely intense and unbearable amount of pain. I could barely walk, but not because of my feet - because of my groin. It was a very dark time in my life, one of the darkest I can remember. I laid in the bathtub, crying, wondering why this had to happen to me. As pathetic as it makes me sound, I laid in that bathtub, on New Year's Day, and wished that I could end my life. I was in so much pain, and was so tired of suffering, that I wished for the easy way out. Like I said, it was the darkest part of my life in many, many years. Many "bad" thoughts flooded through my brain. All the failures of my life piled up. My failed marriage, losing my job, relying on my parents for financial help, etc... I felt like there was nothing good left in my life. It was dark inside my head that day. I was sad. I was depressed. I was in pain. I hated my life. I loathed my life. I spent a good amount of time trying to figure out the easiest way to actually take my life. It was a dark day.

The good news was that eventually I grew up. I cried my eyes out. I stopped feeling sorry for myself. And I decided that I needed to do something intelligent and stop thinking all of these moronic and horrible thoughts. It was a Cowardly Hour of my life, that I'm ashamed to admit happened. Luckily, I never came anywhere near actually attempting anything. It was all foolish thoughts in my head, and eventually common sense kicked me in the butt and told me I was being an idiot.

For the first time that I can ever remember, I actually fulfilled my New Year's Resolution. Because sitting in that warm water on New Year's Day, I told myself that I would get this situation resolved in 2009.

I think it was a couple of days into 2009 that I talked to my parents about everything, and we began discussing options. A few days later, I made my appointment with St. Vincent's - which wasn't going to be until March 9th. After more talking with my parents, we decided that instead of going somewhere that was based on income, we should look into somewhere that specialized in this type of surgery, so that we knew what we were getting into. Instead of getting a "cheap" doctor who is working for small amount of money, we decided to find someone who did this regularly and knew exactly what they were doing.

We settled on the Hernia Center Plus.
We made my first doctor's appointment for January 28th. A LOT sooner than St. Vincent's. Then, January 28th came, and Indianapolis was hit with a wonderful BLIZZARD. My car was trapped at work from the night before - which was okay since my parents were picking me up, but when I called the office - they said that there was no guarantee that the Doctor was going to make it in that day. So, we rescheduled. The schedule was full the following Tuesday, which made my appointment on February 11th. Then, my surgery should have been on the 17th - however, the doctor was going to be out of town, so we had to wait an extra week. That brings us to Today.

Today.
Amazingly, I slept well last night.
I fell asleep around 2:00am - which was a bummer, since I missed some texts, specifically the one from Brittany. I woke up at 9:00am, which began a long three hour wait in my apartment, until my parents picked me up. Then, the LONGEST day of my life began. It seemed like all I did was wait. The surgery was scheduled for 12:45pm. I got there before 12:30pm, and waited in the waiting room until almost 1:00pm, when they finally took me to the first room. I got naked and then sat around for what seemed like a half hour (it was probably 10 minutes), before I was taken to another room, where I laid in a bed, got some shots, and then had an IV stuck into my hand. Yes, the back of my hand! It felt like a sword being shoved under my skin - it was painful. Whatever nice fluids were pumped into my body pretty much numbed the right side of me, which was weird, because I could freely move my left arm, but my right arm didn't want to co-operate very well. After lying there forever, and I seriously mean forever, I had a number of nurses come and introduce themselves to me, and tell me I was okay - I think everyone knew how nervous I was.

I laid in that bed for a while. Bored. Lots of thoughts rushing through my head. Thinking about lots of the things and people in my life right now. Anything positive that would keep my mind off of the fact that I was going to be cut open and messed with. Finally, the Doc showed up. We talked for a minute, and then he was gone. Then I finally started moving - I watched the ceiling tiles one by one, while I felt my heart rate begin to go back up - I tried to divert my thoughts back to happier things, but then we entered the surgical room. and despite my contacts being out - I could clearly see the large table with huge lights hanging above it.

I remember being lifted from the moving bed, onto the surgery table.
I remember looking up at the lights.
I remember someone telling me they were going to put something in my nose to help me breath.

Nurse: "Hey there, how are you feeling?"
Me: "I didn't even get to count backwards..."

I don't remember the anesthesia at all. I don't know when it happened. My last surgery in 2001 - they put the ask over my face and asked me to count backwards from 20. I remember saying 19, and that's it. This time - BAM. Wake up. No counting.

Nurse: "We don't really do that here."
Me: "Really? That sucks, I really wanted to count backwards."
Nurse: "I'm sorry..."

And then I dropped it. It was no more. It was over. Probably because I really needed to get up and go to the bathroom. Amazingly, I was awake and alert when I got up. I felt good, I felt fine. I made it to the bathroom - no problems. I got dressed - no problems. I could not get my contacts in, so I just waited until I got home and put in two brand new ones.

I honestly felt good most of the night. I wasn't in too much pain, at first. Over time, it became obvious to me that whatever wonderful numbing stuff they used on my groin - it faded away over time. As the night went on, it hurt more and more to move. Luckily, I get the pleasure of taking Vicodin! Yippy! They seem to help, and I'm sticking to the 2 pills per four hours requirement, even though near the end of the third hour, I'm in pretty significant pain.

I had done some DVD work for Jason McNear, so he swung by after he got off work, and talked to me while I finished it up and made him a second copy. McNear had previously had this surgery, so we got to talk about it a lot, and he told me what his recovery was like.

Later on, my Parents came back over. They bought me a thermometer, because I'm supposed to call the doctor if I ever get a temperature over 100 degrees. Luckily, I feel fine, although my last temp was 97.0 - which is a little low. Oh well, I feel just fine. My parents hung out for a little while, and we had a good talk.

Some friends had texts waiting for me when I got home.
Some new I would be home around 5pm, so I got texts from them almost right at 5pm.
Around 6pm, I sent out a mass text to my friends, letting them know that I was alive and well. I got a lot of responses from people, and some of my closer friends and I carried on some longer conversations. Zach called me and we talked for a while. He's thinking about stopping by tomorrow night after work. Sarah and I had a couple of long texts, she's been really helpful and supportive over the past few days. Jim called and said that he and Jae are planning on bringing over some pizza tomorrow night. Mike and I had a lot of conversations, and he kept offering to bring various food items over to me, but I told him to just go out and enjoy Tuesday Night at The Fox - where we all typically hang out on Tuesday nights. I think Mike might stop by at some point tomorrow too.

Troy, Dave, and Justin all left nice supportive messages on my blog. And Jason called me last night.

I'm blessed. I really am. I've got amazing Parents who have helped me through all of this. I've got some great Friends who have been super supportive, and are all willing to do a number of nice things for me, while I'll immobile. I'm blessed.

And now I'm on my road to recovery. In 2004, I weight 170lbs. Today I weighed in at 205lbs. I don't know if the hernia is entirely to blame - but I know it's prevented me from working out on a regular basis. It's made almost all physical activities painful. Hopefully, in six weeks, I can begin to start exercising and working out again - and with any luck, drop my weight back down to 170. I wasn't happy at 170 when I was there, but I will be happier there than where I am at.

Today is the start of a new life for me. Less pain. Better positive mental attitude.

My Five Year Long Ordeal of Pain is coming to a close. The finish line is in sight, and I can't wait to get there. Life is beginning to look up again. And after some of the texts I exchanged today - I think I have a lot to look forward to in the future.

Probably the Very Last Person Who is Talking About "The Last Lecture"

There are a number of people in this world who I feel were taken too soon.
River Phoenix.
Jonathan Larson.
Heath Ledger.
Chris Farley.
This list is all entertainers, because that's what I'm most interested and attached to in life. This next person is a teacher, and he didn't die young, but it really feels like he was taken well before his time.

Hanging out with my parents this weekend, they introduced me to Randy Pausch. 7 Million people have already watched this video on YouTube, and millions more on Google Video and other outlets.

So, I feel like I'm the last person to find out about this - since it was delivered over a year ago - But, I wanted to pass it along to anyone else who happen to not have seen this. I honestly believe it's worth your time. And I can honestly say that it has changed my life...




If that's not enough for you, then you can check out THIS WEBSITE, which has a five-part series of interviews with Pausch, Family, and Friends - Done by Diane Sawyer.

Distant Relative or Re-Incarnate?

"Self Portrait" by
Edward Henry Potthast

Not too long ago, Zach went to an Art Museum in Ohio. And he brought me back a postcard, because when he saw it in the Gift Shop, he swore it looked like me. And, I'm going to be honest, I can't deny it too much. I do believe I see a serious resemblance.

So, I started looking into Edward Henry Potthast, and learned some kind of interesting things.

He was born on June 10th, 1857 - three days after my birthday, which also makes him a Gemini. And he was an artist - this could be translated into the modern "art" of film-making.

In the 1880s he traveled to Munich, Germany and studied. I planned on going to Munich last month... At the end of his time in Munich, he traveled to Paris before coming back to the United States. Again, I was supposed to visit this city last month...

In 1895, Potthast moved to New York City, and often spent the summer months at Cape Cod. These are both places that I have frequented over the past two years...

Although Potthast never married - at this time in my life, it feels like I never was either. Potthast died alone, and never had children. He was 69 years old when he died on March 9th, 1927. So, there's a chance that my death date could be: March 6th, 2050.

I'm considering not shaving for the entire month of October, and going as Edward Henry Potthast for Halloween...?

Circa Ten Years Later

Today is my birthday.
Big deal.
I've never been one to celebrate birthdays, and this year is worse than normal.

I'm 28. I graduated High School ten years and three days ago.

Three days before I turned 18, I graduated from Lawrence Central.

I was a high school senior, with big dreams in my eyes. And ten years later, I have to look back at those big dreams...

I wanted to be married. And I was. And it was amazing. Sadly, for various reasons it didn't work out. I miss how prooud my parents were of me. This girl caused me to "settle down". My parents loved her, my grandparents loved her, I was madly in love with her, and then my world came crashing down. Between now and 30 was when I thought that "kids" would come into play. Sadly, that didn't happen. And sadly, I doubt anyone will ever want to commit to me, and do the whole kids thing. It just doesn't look to be in my cards.

I wanted to be a lawyer. Yeah, that didn't last long. It wasn't too long before I decided I wanted to be a filmmaker, which changed my goals to finishing film school. While I tried TWICE to become a film student - I failed both times. I also failed when I tried to be a German Major. I just don't seem to be good at school. Also, I love making money, and I tried to supper my ex-wife while she was in school. Either way, I was a loser in comparison to where I wanted my life to be. School just did not work out. And for those who didn't know: I was pre-law when I graduated high school. I picked my girlfriend over college - and that screwed up my life. Who knows where I could have been, if I just cut ties and moved on. Went to college in Kentucky - met new people - and didn't live the life I did. Probably never would have lived in California, and I never would have met Kristen - who I believed (and somewhat still do) to be the Love of My Life. But, instead I picked a girl - because I thought she made me happy.

That was a BIG mistake in my life. Because not only did "She" cause me to be physically damaging to my body (tried to slit my wrist), she permanently screwed me up me up emotionally and psychologically - she caused me a large amount of legal trouble. Legal trouble that I wish was not on my record, and was not public knowledge - especially since she made lots of false claims - and never showed up in court, because she know they were false.

Her psychological mis-treatment of me led to my (now expunged) "criminal" record. It was the lowest point in my life. Spending time in a "mental treatment facility" and making HORRIBLE personal decisions. Drugs, alcohol, and theft. They all added up to a long list of dis-appointments I caused in my parents life. It was probably the WORST time of my life - and if not for my Father and Danny Smith, I probably would have ended up dead. I can vividly remember the day my Mother asked me to come to her office - and I was "ambushed" by Dad and Danny - and immediately taken to Charter Hospital (which doesn't exist anymore...). I was SO MAD at that point - but I now realize that it was a turning point in my life. And if not for the three of them, I probably would have ended up dead near that time. I was at a very destructive point, and needed intervention to improve my living condition.

So, the "roller coaster" of the last ten years started out on a low. It came up high when I was working on "Consternate" with Jason. My "big sister" Brandy James was one of the few people who helped me through my "low" emotional time, and I remember the night I spent at her house, with Joe Langlais and Jason Maier. It changed my life forever, because it was the night Jason and I decided to renew our High School Friendship (I still have the picture of Jason, Joe and I on graduation night...) and it was not too much longer before I was talking about making a film with Jason. Jason's older brother - Dave - helped me get back on my feet with a job, and getting fired from Clearwater was another low-point my life, when I knew I let down both David and Jason. Once again, I just became a "screw up" in everyone's eyes.

I moved to California. It was my first attempt at being an "adult" on my own. It lasted six months. It should have lasted longer, but I was somewhat homesick - and scared to make long-term commitments to live with people I didn't know. I took the easy way out, and now I regret it. I did NOT regret it while I was married, because my return to Indy resulted in meeting Kristen, and being happily (at first) married. But, while I lived in Los Angeles, I was involved with a very cool and beautiful Latino girl - who could have broken my heart just as easily as Kristen did. Small pain, different city, less moving. I could have dealt with that. I should have moved in with Sergio, Eli or Hans - the three people who offered my a place to live, when I got semi-kicked out of my living place.

Life went pretty good from the end of 2001 until the middle of 2006. I came back to Indy, I met Kristen, I got married, my parents were proud of me, my family started seeing me as an adult, I got treated different, I felt like an adult - life was good. Then, for various reason - which I'm sure were my fault - I disappointed everyone by screwing up my relationship with Kristen, and the end result was divorce. While I just wanted a "break" and some time apart to think about things, I was suddenly served with divorce papers. It turned out Kristen knew what she wanted, and did NOT need time to think about it. I failed as a husband in the last ten years. I gave one woman everything I possibly could, and I got served with divorce papers in the end, and was denied ever seeing my dog - which I raise from a puppy. I know I was at fault, and I know I did a lot of things wrong - but given some time to think, I know I would have attempted to reconcile with Kristen. But, that's not what she was interested in. She didn't love me, she didn't want me. And she made that very clear. I failed at being a husband, I failed at being a significant other, and I failed in everyone's eys because someone wanted to divorce me. It was NOT what I wanted, but I have always wanted to make Kristen happy - so I did not fight her. And that was a mistake. If I asked the judge to order counseling - then maybe we could have worked things out. But, I didn't. Once again, it was my fault.

Basically, when I turned 18, my parent's allowed me to become an adult. I suppose it was an experiment to see if I could live up to their first 18 years of "training". I know in the past ten years, I've done a lot of things they are not proud of. I know I still do things that they do not approve of. I know I don't seem to be as religious as they would like - which goes back to my distaste for established religion, and my fight for spirituality to be between ME and GOD and NO ONE else. I know I've disappointed them. I'm only human. But, the best part is that my parents still love me. Despite all the things I do wrong. Despite my divorce, and my shaming their name and their family - they still love me. They are true examples of Unconditional Love. Obviously better than I can be, as I failed in marriage, and may never have the chance to give them grandchildren.

Ten Years and three days later. WHAT do I have to be happy about on this birthday?

I've got awesome parents, who I've already explained to be the epitome of Unconditional Love.

I've got a cool brother, who is fun to talk to, despite our different lifestyles and goals.

I've got Jason L. Maier, and his wife, who allow me to come to Boston and visit them when I need a break from Indianapolis. They allow me to invade their lives, and hang out.

I've got Zach Proctor - who I have known for 15 years, over HALF of my life. I've also got Jenny, Zach's wife. Who, despite being friends with Kristen, is still willing to be friends with me. She won't pick sides, she still defends Kristen when I talk about her, but (from what I'm told) she defends me against Kristen's comments.

I've got Sergio. My closest friend while I lived in California, and the ONLY person I can call at 2am (because that's only 11pm to him!!!) when I am depressed and need someone to talk to, or vent to, or cry to. And he listens to it all.

I've got Phil. I share a townhouse with a really cool, really easy-going, really laid back person, who I've never been in a fight (physical or verbal) with.

I've got Troy, who I can always count on to make me laugh and smile anytime we hang out. From poker nights to me teaching him how to work Blogger - I just really enjoy spending time with him.

I've got David Maier. A man who I've always looked up to. A family man, who is a real inspiration. A man who has such a beautiful and perfect family, that I could only dream of having something half as good as he does - and only wish Kristen and I worked out as well as Dave and Jennifer did - with Samantha and Drew as proof of their love and hard work. The entire Maier Clan is amazing - and know how to love families.

I've also got a very large group of friends, who I love to hang out with in their own time. From Justin and Fallon to Kyle and Elise. From Samir to Michael Maier. From Matt ("Cheech") and Lily to Matt ("Bear") and Andy to Eddie and Aaron. I've been able to make a lot of friends - all of whom accept me for who I am, and treat me like a real person.

So, here I am. Ten years and three days later. So much to think about. Basically a third of my life has gone by. There's been up, there's been downs. I've been happy, and I've been depressed. I'm made films, and I've been in love.

Despite all the failures and shortcomings that I feel responsible for, I have lived my life. And for the most part, I've live it how I wanted to. So, sitting here, right now, on my 28th Birthday - all I can do is Thank God that I am alive. Thank God that I loved someone as much as a loved Kristen. Thank God for protecting me, and getting me this far along in life. And Thank God for blessing me with the people who have watched over me, protected me, and kept me out of more trouble.

The past tens are FAR, FAR, FAR from what I wanted them to be.

But, they've made me who I am today.

And when I look back, despite all the heartache, despite all the pain, despite all of the nights I've cried myself to sleep: I've got the most important things in the world. Family. Friends. And people who act like they love me. So, despite how much I feel like a failure - I know I've got people who tell this Failure to keep trying. And maybe one day, I'll make them all proud of me. I can only hope that I can re-gain trust in all of the people I've let down.

So, right now, I vow to make the next ten years of my life - Better than EVER before.

"Live like you mean it. / Love 'til you feel it. / It's all that we've got in our lives..."

And, I just want to take one second to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to all the people who have helped me through the rough times, the good times, and the times I don't want to talk about. Without each one of you - Shane wouldn't be celebrating 28 years. I'm only alive this day, due to my friends and family who have kept me off the destructive path I started 10 years ago.

I promise to make the next ten years better than last.

I'll be Partying with Wyld Mongoose for a Long Time

Over the past couple of weeks, these are the films I've been watching:
"Love Actually", "St. Elmo's Fire", "The Breakfast Club", "About Last Night..."

Yesterday morning, when I woke up, I laid in bed for a long time. The menu for "Love Actually" was on the TV, and I hit play. And while the movie was playing, I wasn't really paying attention. I was more taking a survey of my life, and wondering why I had been in such a funk for so long. Obviously, the demise of my marriage and my divorce was the number one thing, but that's been so long ago, I couldn't figure out what was causing all these feelings. I wasn't the happy person I once considered myself. Granted, I often put on outward appearances, and it wasn't like I was suicidally depressed, or anything, but I wasn't "happy".

Then, I started putting some pieces together.
I had not completed a script since 2003, when I wrote "Reunion". I've started a few, and I have three notebooks full of ideas for various scripts. I spent an extended period of time in Boston, working on "Wake Up in the Breakdown" with Jason. Which, just turned out to be an exercising of demons, as my exploration into the two main characters helped me come to terms with my very new (at the time) divorce. Honestly, I liked the story and the idea, but it hit a point where I didn't have a way to get my characters from Point A to Point B, and that's when I realized that in learning about the characters, I learned about myself, my flaws, and what I did wrong in my relationship. Granted, it was too little too late and even the good character development couldn't save things.

I hadn't directed a movie since 2003. "Reunion" was the last film that I directed, and I poured so much of myself into the project that I was physically and mentally drained when the project was over. Sadly, it was during this time, and my obsessive-compulsive nature towards the project that my marriage began to suffer. So, on top of the physically challenges of working long days and filming long days, on top of constantly having to evolve certain parts of the story, based on exterior problems with cast - I was facing a situation where I was neglecting someone important to me, and causing the rift between us. I'm a passionate person, and I don't know how to make film any other way, but I believe this fallout from making "Reunion" was never really fixed.

I hadn't produced a film since 2005, when I produced "Crazy About You" for Jason and Zach - through our company. This was the most difficult, as it dealt with one of our biggest casts, and probably most professional collection of people. But, this only added more and more stress to the project. Due to the fallout from "Reunion" (between us), Kristen had decided that she wanted nothing to do with "Crazy About You". She was pretty much fed up with my filmmaking, didn't like the late night and long hours that it took, and really hated how much of my time and life was dedicated to seeing a movie through to completion. It was a rough time, and got even rougher after filming was complete. The post-production on the project was almost non-existent. And one of the hardest thing I ever had to do as a Producer was demand that a partner of mine, a friend of mine, and the director/editor of the film give me all of the footage. I was then burdened with the task of cutting the film myself. Which, Kristen would refuse to come into the office when I was editing, because she wanted nothing to do with my filmmaking. And I felt the urgency to get the film cut together and shown to our cast and crew, who REALLY put in a lot of time and effort into the project. In my mind, my reputation was on the line, so I was constantly in my office cutting the film, every chance I got. The break-up happened, the divorce happened, and then I finally finished the film in August. Probably six months after I got the footage.

To this day, "Crazy About You" has not been finished. We shot most of the film over three years ago, with some scenes added to the shooting later.

The hardest thing was the basic break-up of GemInI Films, post-"Crazy About You". Production on that movie took a lot out of all four of us. Chris decided to dedicate himself to his band. Zach was working two jobs and had no free time. And Jason moved to Boston. All of those factors made it impossible to make films together, and I always said that I only wanted to make films with those people - with my close friends. How naive of a statement was that?

I hope I've done an acceptable job of painting this picture for you: The Art of Filmmaking left a SOUR TASTE in my mouth. But, as I laid in bed yesterday, I thought over all of this and I finally came to the conclusion that its been my lack of filmmaking - since the divorce - that has taken away from my positive mental attitude. It's what I want to do. I feel good when I do it. And even now, as I write this blog, I get excited about the next year of devoting myself to one project.

So, after a long look at my life, I made the decision that I wanted to begin seriously working on a new script. Matt and I were working together last night, and it posed the PERFECT opportunity.

Let me give you a little history with Matt: In the Fall of 2005, a group of kids from Butler University began shooting a movie at my theatre. We would let them come in at night, and shoot scenes - because the film was set in a movie theatre. So, we let them use all over the building and I got to know the director and some of the cast and crew. This was the first film for most of them, and since I had made so many, they sometimes would ask for some advice. At the time, Matt was just an actor in the film. And after they wrapped up production, I was shocked a few weeks later when Matt was hired at my theatre. He started out as just an employee, but over time has become a fellow manager with me. Matt attends IUPUI and is getting his English degree, and will be attending gradute school in Michigan in the fall, to work on his Fiction Literature BA. Basically, Matt wants to be an author, and he's always been talking about wanting to make another film, and writer more scripts, etc...

So, I walked into the office last night, and I looked Matt in the eyes and said, "I want you and I to sit in here all night and create a storyline for a script that we can write together." His eyes got big, asked me if I was serious, and then it began. I told him, I want to make a film about friends with an ensemble cast of four males and three females. I want to make something like "St. Elmo's Fire" for the modern generation. Films like that don't exist anymore, films about a bunch of friends, and how they help and hurt each other. It's that lost vibe from 80s Brat Pack films.

After an hour, that idea was completely scrapped, and we had the seed for what will be become "The Band Film". Currently, we are referring to it as "The Road to the Top" - but we have both agreed that name will soon change.

In five hours, we got our basic Act I, Act II, and Act III plot points down. We understand the three stages of the film, and what moves us from I to II and from II to III. We've developed the personalities of the four main band members. Started working on their history, and on their relationships. We've addressed the struggles and roadblocks that are going to come into play through the project. We've got our climax and our falling action almost perfect mapped out - to bring out what we think will be an extremely emotional segment of the film, and the resulting downward spiral will be an interesting way to end the film.

For five hours of work, I think we accomplished A LOT. And it didn't stop there, as I was driving home from work - Matt called, with more ideas. I miss that. I miss having those late night conversations that Jason Maier and I used to have all the time when we were kicking about story ideas and plots. I was awake until after 3am, writing in my notebook. Writing the biography of the band, and organizing all of the events that we have in place so far.

I felt productive. I felt good. It's not going to be a boring, character driven lament-over-lost-love, like "Reunion" was. It's got meat to it, and it can only bulk up even more. New ideas will pour in, we will make changes. We will add things, and remove others. It's going to be a very productive next couple of weeks, and Matt and I both plan on working on this as much as we can. We're organizing our schedules so that we can find time to work together. Matt's girlfriend is going to South Dakota for the entire month of February - and Matt plans on hanging out at my place every few minute he has while she's gone. We're hoping that by March we'll be on our way to starting the first lines of dialogue in the first draft of the script.

I am so happy to be working with someone who really has a passion and desire to write, and wants to complete a script. It's going to be great energy for us to bounce off of each other, and it's going to help us create an amazing project.

We're also both blessed to know a good number of people in various bands. This is going to help us in creating our fake band, by getting people who we think will have good screen presence, and the ability to also play instruments - creating a believable "fake" band. This is also going to make my return to directing a feature film, something I've longed to do since "Reunion" wrapped. Luckily for me, Matt knows some people who are very interested in editing - meaning I won't have to be the editor on this film. Now, anyone who knows me knows I'll be spending a lot of time with the editor, and explaining in great detail the things I am going to want for each scene. But, Matt and I both agreed that having someone else edit, and add their own eye to the story would be a great thing. It's something that has ALWAYS been lacking in a GemInI Film. Matt and I know of a potential investor. It's someone we both know that has made it known to us that they would be interested in reading any script we know about, and would consider putting some financial backing towards an indie film. Matt and I have never really taken this person too seriously, and never taken a project to him. But, we've both agreed that our project might be the right one to take his way. It's a long shot, but it never hurts to ask. Finally, I'm going to have to look for some more people to help produce this. By the time we actually go into production, Matt will be living in Michigan, and this is NOT a project I am going to produce on my own. Two to three other people will eventually need to be found to help out on this project. It's going to be pretty big at times, and we're going to need a lot more people helping out in more leadership roles than on any other project. That's kind of how GemInI Films has always worked, we've always tried to get a little bit bigger with each project we've done. I think we bit off too much on "Crazy About You" and didn't have the right people helping us to make sure it went as smooth as it could. We won't make that mistake again.

So, I've made you read all this history and though process.
Do you want to know what the film is about?
Here's a short synopsis:

The film follows a garage band who goes by the name of Wyld Mongoose. It's made up for members, who spend their days drifting through their "real" jobs, while eagerly waiting for 5pm, when they can head to band practice together. Steve, the lead singer, is a partier and major womanizer. Jimmy, the guitarist, is Steve's best friend and they party hard together. Despite Tara, Jimmy's girlfriend, Jimmy is constantly having an affair. Paul, the bass player, is married to Chrissy and has a child, and is the guy who is responsible for bringing the band together. The band practices in his garage. Finally, there is Keith - the drummer - who is an Uber-Drum-Dork, and lacks all social skills with women, because all he can ever talk about is the drums and music. He's not a retard, and he tries to talk to them, but they never can relate to him and his passion. Keith always carries drum sticks in his hands.

The film follows this little band, as they begin to play shows, and start to do well in a local Battle of the Bands. As they move on, and get noticed more, an indie record producer named Vic Stein meets with the band, and wants to sign them. However, from the moment they sign with Vic, he does everything in his power to change the band, and mold them into the band he thinks will be most profitable - This starts when he renames the band to Speedometer (we've got a GREAT idea for the band logo, I can't wait to have someone design it for us!). He sees their talent, but doesn't like their sound or their look. He attempts to get Keith kicked out of the band because of his eccentric-ness, but Paul does not allow this. Vic often attempts to exercise his domineering control over the band, and often tells them "...anyone one of you can be replaced, if you don't do what I tell you to do." Act II deals with the struggle of the band, as they attempt to hold onto their own identity and their love for music, while they learn the pressures that are put on bands who are attempting to make it big. Steve becomes the biggest sell-out, and is very influenced by Vic. Steve's desire to be a Rock God propels him to begin clashing with other members of the band, who just want to hold on to their identity. Act II ends with a massive tragedy that hits the band.

Act III begins the falling action of the film, and deals with the consequences of the tragedy. How the band gets through it, and the things that they all learn about themselves throughout the process of attempting to make a name for their band, which really wasn't even their band anymore. As the tragedy has long-lasting effects, it eventually rips and tears the band apart, while they all begin attempting to discover why they ever wanted to play music in the first place.

Then, we have an amazing final scene mapped out. And I can't wait to write, but more than that, I can't wait to film it, then I can't wait to cut it together and get the reactions from the first people who watch the film. I really think its a great way to end this story.

So, over the next few weeks and months, if you see me wandering around with a black notebook, or see me writing in the notebook, or if I happen to be sitting somewhere with my laptop and I'm typing away - you'll now know what I'm working on, and what I am going to pour my heart and soul into for the next year, or more, of my life. I very much look forward to getting back into filmmaking and writing, and creating... The journey starts right here, right now. I'll see you when it's over. And I hope you'll see the film.

Has It Really Been Six Years?

September 11th, 2001.
It's like the JFK moment of my generation.
I still remember the day very well.
Now, it's six years later. It's weird to think about.

Last summer, after I watched "World Trade Center", I wrote a long blog about the day.

You can READ IT HERE.

Light a candle tonight.

Intrepid, eh?

I often refer you my readers over to Peddie's Blog. And today, while reading it for myself, I noticed something "new" to me - I don't know how long he's done this, but I just noticed it today.

Peddie has given nicknames to most of the bloggers that has links to. There's "The Random Blogger", "The Sports Blogger", "The Baking Blogger", "The Weekend Blogger", etc...

Then, there's what he calls me: "Shane White - The Intrepid Blogger".

Now, I consider myself a very intelligent person, but I will admit when I have to look into something. Aside from knowing the automobile, I wasn't completely sure what "intrepid" meant, so I looked it up. And here's the definition I found (www.m-w.com):

"Characterized by resolute fearlessness, fortitude, and endurance."

Again, I came across a word I wasn't 100% sure of the meaning. So, I looked up "fortitude":

"Strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage."

This statement is so true, in many ways that most of you don't know about. But, if you stick with reading this blog, in the future - you will understand.

I think I am going to have to take this as a compliment, I don't know if it was meant to be - but it's an interesting way to look at myself, and one that I wouldn't have done without having to look into the meaning of these words.

Peddie, if I ever get word "Intrepid" tattooed on my body - I want you to know it's going to be a direct result of you putting the word (and definition) into my mind.

I guess I'm just taken back by learning the definition. It's probably the only positive adjective anyone has ever used to describe me...

I was supposed to go check out "Smokin' Aces" tonight - a flick I've been pumped about all week. But, my buddies decided to watch "Epic Movie" first (a flick I have NO desire to see), and were going to be starting "Smokin' Aces" too late for me. Doesn't this suck? "Back in the day" I wouldn't care how late I had to stay up to watch a movie I wanted to see - but now, 8am comes REALLY EARLY!!! But, to have my nights and weekends off - I'm willing to deal with it. So, I'm going to be in Chicago all weekend - maybe I'll try to catch it while I'm there - if there's time.

The other film I really want to see this coming week is "Catch and Release". I hope to catch it soon. Here's the trailer:

The Spot

The Spot is the new bar that has replaced P.S. O'Rourke's.

My first statement is a tough one: Everything that I never got out of O'Rourke's, I can get out of The Spot. I love Sloan and Flea to death, they are some important people in my life. But, they didn't want a sport bar - and I kind of always did. The Spot is very much a sports bar.

The Spot is very much a hybrid. It still feels like O'Rourke's, it still feels like home. It still feels like the bar that I have so many wonderful memories from. O'Rourke's is where I met Kristen. O'Rourke's is where I filmed a lot of scenes from various films of mine. O'Rourke's was were I was guaranteed to have a friend at. Sloan and Flea didn't care about having a hugely popular bar, they wanted a place for themselves and their friends to hang out, and they treated the regulars better than I've ever seen people treated. P.S. O'Rourke's was a Speakeasy, a Watering Hole, and place for friends to sit around and just talk. On the weekends, they made their money with live bands - which Sloan never really cared for, but needed the added revenue on the weekends. But, no matter what time of day, or what day, Sloan or Flea would be there, and the waitresses treated us like no one else ever did. It was a special place, and always will be - I've got so many wonderful memories from there.

But, it's in the past. It's gone. I can't have it again. But, the other day, when we learned The Spot had opened, my friends and I found time to go there and check it out. That time turned out to be tonight. And tonight, I learned something wonderful: A former waitress, Jamie, and her husband - along with two of their friends - are the new owners of the bar. And they have done an AMAZING job with the place.

It's brighter. It's not so dark anymore. There's a sports theme, with various mid-west team banners hanging all over the place. There are HD Plasma TVs all over the upstairs, and four HD projection screen TVs on the main level. There is even a private room with it's own HD TV. The biggest improvement is the bathrooms, which have been completely redone. They look nothing like before, and are BEYOND amazing!

As I was leaving the bathroom, it happened:

"SHANE!!!"

I was told that Jamie left before I got there, so I wasn't expecting it. But, it turns out that she was just sitting at the bar. She ran up and gave me a hung, and I spent the next 45 minutes talking to her and her husband and finding out all the details about how she/they got from the closing of O'Rourke's to opening the building as their own. It was an interesting story - and I am REALLY proud of Jamie. If you read this regularly, you know one of my life-long ambitions is to own my own sports bar. So, this will be the next best thing. Jamie introduced me to the entire staff, and introduced them to me. They are all really cool, and very much like the "family" that was lost when O'Rourke's closed. Also, one of the former waitresses (and former love of my life) is supposed to come back and start working there. So, it will be awesome to see her again.

They have removed a lot of the couches. Most of downstairs is all tables and chairs. They have done a lot of tile-work on the downstairs, as well as added the big screens. Upstairs has lots of brand new leather love seats, which are very comfortable. Tonight, the NFL Network was re-airing the Colts/Patriots game - in condensed format - so we watched that and talked about the game and the Super Bowl. There is a chance that we are going to end up having our Super Bowl Party at The Spot. We talked to Jamie about it, and she made some suggestions to us. So, we're going to see how everyone feels.

It's so cool. It's still got the vibe of O'Rourke's, but with a different feel. Jamie told me she felt the same way I did when the bar closed - that she was missing a part of her life - and that was part of her motivation to buy the building and get the place re-opened, but make it a little more hip and appealing than Sloan and Flea. So, it's a nifty hybrid. It's got the old vibe for people like me, combined with the new appealing sports bar theme.

I finally have somewhere that I feel comfortable going again. It feels like home again already.

I highly recommend it, if you're looking for a cool place in Castleton - and if you actually like sports.

Inland Empire

Sibley and I have made plans to attend a special screening of "Inland Empire" (Official Site) in Chicago on the weekend of the 27th. David Lynch is distributing the film himself, and according to the website, he's going to be at the screening that night.

It's going to be an awesome trip, but it got better when my buddy Heidi found out I was coming into town, and sent me this, in an email:

"I'm totally down for it. At the very least, though, we TOTALLY have to hang out. So let's keep in touch about it. You can't come to my city and not hang out with me - that would be illegal."

It's always nice to have someone act like they actually WANT to hang out with you. As cool as the weekend was going to be, it's looking like it's going to be even more fun than I hoped for.

I'm REALLY getting excited about the trip. I LOVE Road Trips, hence my East Coast drive. We're spending the night in Chi-Town, so it should turn into a really fun 48 hours. I'm hoping to some more road trips this summer. I'm trying to talk Zach into hitting Rondeau in Canada again. I have a feeling that multiple Weekend-Get-A-Aways are in store for 2007. Maybe some more to go back to Chicago?

Also, related to Sibley, is THIS ARTICLE from the Indy Star. Sibley is supposed to be in charge of the IMAX, when it opens. CONGRATS, bro. You know I'll be hitting you up for IMAX tickets, right???

2006: A Year in Shane

So, here it is: 2007.
And with that, I've taken some time today to think back over the past 365 Days - the year that was 2006. It was interesting. Lots of ups. Lots of downs. Lots of stuff happened. And I'm taking the time to list (with some pictures) some of the Top Threes of 2006, in various categories. So, here's a recap of 2006 - from Shane's eyes and mind.

Top Three Places I Visited in 2006

1. The Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center in New York City.

One of the last places I got to visit this year, but also one of the best. A place I'd been dreaming about seeing for so long, and thanks to Letha and Jason, I finally got to see it. It sure was amazing.

2. The Pier at Santa Monica, at Sunset.

The family trip to Los Angeles back in March was an amazing trip, filled with lots of fun times, but the night we spent in Santa Monica, and saw the sun set over the ocean was just beautiful.

3. The Campground at Rondeau State Park in Canada.

Zach's Bachelor Party took Zach, Jason Romberg, and myself into the heart of Canada to spend four days in the woods. Camping is always an awesome time, and since we haven't made a trip to Brown County in a couple of years, this was an awesome time. Three guys in the woods, talking about life under the stars. It was such a great trip.

Top Three Films I Saw in 2006

1. "The Last Kiss"
Probably the best film about relationships I've seen in a long time. So many different perspectives and concepts of love and relationships, you're sure to identify with one of them. Perfect flick.

2. "The Prestige"
Probably the best storytelling of any film I've ever seen. Non-linear editing results in so many questions before answers, and allows three different time lines to intertwine with each other. This film also has THE BEST ENDING of any film since 1999 - PERIOD.

3. "Thank You For Smoking"
Just a flat-out hilarious film, that is wonderfully written and acted. Yes, some scenes are a little outlandish, but overall I think it's a wonderfully fun time, and Aaron Eckhart does an amazing job.

Top Three Albums I Bought in 2006

1. "Commit This to Memory" by The Motion City Soundtrack.
2. "Let Love In" by The Goo Goo Dolls.
3. "How to Save a Life" by The Fray.

All great rockin' albums, which I still constantly listen to.

Top Three Singles Released in 2006

1. "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol (from "Eyes Open")
2. "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder (from "Extreme Behavior")
3. "Feel the Silence" by The Goo Goo Dolls (from "Let Love In")

Top Three Concerts I Went to in 2006

1. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra
2. Pearl Jam
3. The Goo Goo Dolls

Top Three Sports Moments in 2006

1. Reggie Miller's Jersey being retired.
2. The Eastsiders Basketball Team winning the ISSA Class B Championship.
3. Big Al Harrington returning to the Indiana Pacers.

Top Three T.V. Shows I Watched in 2006

1. "Lost"
2. "Prison Break"
3. "How I Met Your Mother"

Three Biggest Surprises of 2006

1. The Divorce.
Yeah, this one takes the cake. One year ago today - I never would have seen it coming. I knew we were having problems, but I honestly believe some separation and time apart would help us figure out our feelings for each other. I guess she figured out her feelings - which wasn't a good thing for me, and it was a pretty big shocker when I got the paperwork in the mail.
2. Jason Moving.
When Jason and I were into film together, the guy told me he didn't think he would ever move to Los Angeles, because he didn't want to leave his family and friends in Indianapolis. So, when he was presented with the opportunity to move to Boston, I was first surprised that he was thinking about it - and more surprised with his final decision. I can still remember the night he told Annette and I that he was going to stay here in Indy, and turn the job down. It wasn't more than two hours later I was hanging out with him, when he told me he was going to take the job. I quickly went from "happy Jason was staying" to "bummed Jason was leaving". Another surprise to my life in 2006.
3. Dad Goes to Iraq.
I never would have imagined, until I was told, that my Dad would be going to Iraq. He's not exactly a 20-year-old infantryman. So, the government sending him over to Iraq to do some work was Out of Left Field, in my opinion. Luckily, he went and made it home safe - but it was still kind of a surprise to find out he was going.

I'm hoping for a good 2007.
I've got some life plans in order, and hope they work out.
I'm holding off on going back to school - so that I can spend the next few months getting my living arrangements worked out (finding an apartment downtown) and getting a new job. I plan to start talking to a counselor at IUPUI in the next few weeks, so that they can start setting me up and enrolling me in the classes I want to take in the fall. This will also give me a chance to save some money and start applying for financial aid.

I've only made one resolution for 2007.
And I think I'll be able to keep it. I've already started on it, and I think I can keep up with it. My resolution for 2007 is to get myself into better shape (which includes losing some weight). I've been riding 10 Miles a Day on the bike for five days a week, for the past three weeks - so I just need to keep that up. I've been lifting free weights and just need to continue doing that as well. Finally, no more soda. Juice, Water, Gatorade, Powerade, anything but soda. By the Spring, I want to be regularly running the canal downtown (hopefully living close enough to jog to the canal, and then jog the whole thing).

Well, 2006 sure changed my life.
Lots of ups.
Lots of downs.
Lots of good times.
Lots of lonely nights.

Somehow, I have a feeling 2007 is going to be a lot of the same...

...but I guess that's life.

I'll see you again in 365 Days, with another list. I hope you all have a WONDERFUL 2007.

Charles Schulz Philosophy

So, the other day, when I made my somewhat "disappointed with life" posting - I got an email from my mother, who reminded me of Charles Schulz's Philosophy, and I'm a little late in copying it on here, but I thought it was something worth sharing (Thanks Mom!)



The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners .

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with

Easier?

The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care .

Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -Charles Schulz


Side note:
I bought my first box of Reese's Christmas Trees this afternoon. It might be earlier than usual, but I'm addicted to the Peanut Butter - after all those Pumpkins I was eating...

Walden Pond

Some people have emotional experiences when they visit such landmarks as the Vientam War Memorial or the World War II Memorial. Today, I had one at Walden Pond.

This blog is being written as I sit in the Replica Thoreau House. It's an exact recreation using Thoreau's vivid descriptions from Walden. I started at the Replica House. Before walking down to the beach and the trails. I then started the 1.7 mile journey around Walden Pond, which took close to 45 minutes - including several stops at various lookout points to snap some pictures, and an extended stay at the site of the original Thoreau House, where the foundation for the original fireplace still stands.

I also left my mark on the Original Thoreau house. There is a pile of rocks, which members of the Thoreau Historical Society place rocks upon. I added my own rock, with my name and today's date on it. I walked extensively around the area of the original house, touching trees that Thoreau most likely touched back in his day. I had to take it all in. It was amazing.

I walked 1.7 miles around the pond, and ended up back at the main beach, where I sat down and relaxed for a while. I took in the beauty of the water, the sun shining down on me, and the cool breeze blowing between the trees.

This is something I've dreamed of doing for the past 11 years, since I was a freshman in high school and was in the play "The Night Thoreau Spent in Jail". It was Paris M. Goodrum who introduced me to Thoreau, and now after all these years - I've finally fulfilled the dream of coming to the place where he lived and worked on his amaIng book. Today, I feel like I've accomplished something.

"The mass of men, lead lives of quiet desperation."
-From "Walden".

OH CANADA!

I'm back.
In Indiana.
Yippy!
First off, I was WRONG about where we were going. Pointe Pelee (which I learned that I've been pronouncing WRONG for years...) is not a park where you can camp at. So, they directed us to Rondeau Provincial Park - and it turned out to be AWESOME!!! Here's a new map, explaining where we ended up.
Second, I'm going to start this off with some pictures, before I get into my thoughts and experiences in Canada.

I'm told this means "Following too closely, kills". those Canadians have a sense of humor!

Zach and Jason at our campsite. It was VERY nice and SPACIOUS.

As if it was a twist of fate, our campsite was on Manning Road. Rondeau was the main road in the camp.

There was a nice long pier in the park. This was on the Canada side, in the bay - looking back north, towards Canada.

It appears that Canadians have a much more advanced Bird House Building Philosophy. Or, this might be a hotel?

I SWEAR, we had NOTHING to do with the table ending up in the middle of the water...

I found this hatch. I REALLY wanted to find some dynomite and blow it open. I can only imagine what's down it...

Other signs read:
"Fatigue Kills, Take a Break." and
"Drinking and Driving Kills. Don't Drink and Drive."

Okay. Now onto my thoughts on Canada.
I LOVE THE COUNTRY and I LOVE THE PEOPLE.
EVERYONE is nice.
Example, from Canadian Customs - as we were crossing the bridge into Canada:

Canadian Customs Officer: Where ya goin' boys?
Us: Camping at Rondeau Park, sir.
Canadian Customs Officer: Do ya got any booze in theer? (YES, mispelled on purose)
Us: No sir. We didn't think we could bring it across the border.
Canadian Customs Officer: Ooohhh.... Well, ya shoulda been buyin' it at the Duty Free. Its cheep an' no taxes on it.
Us: Really? And we can bring it across the border?
Canadian Customs Officer: O' Course! I don't know whereya gonna be gettin' it now.
Us: I'm sure we'll find somewhere.
Canadian Customs Officer: Well, if you go... (HE GIVES US SOME DETAILED DIRECTIONS, I DON'T REMEMBER THEM...)
Us: Well, thank you, sir.
Canadian Customs Officer: If you boys be comin' back, I suggest the Duty Free, it's tha best place to buy stuff. Enjoy yer stay!

Let me just say that the Unites States Custom guy WAS NOT friendly AT ALL. He was rather, rude and mean. He looked ex-military, and like he didn't trust a word we said. He was short, simple, and didn't talk much, other than to ask us question about what was in the car and why we were in Canada.

This brings me to my First Point: Canadians ARE SUPER-FRIENDLY. EVERYONE is nice. EVERY road we drove down, people on the side of the road waved at us - EVERYONE. This is no exaggeration.

Here's a short quick list of the notes I made about Canada:

1. They use thinner and longer straws.
2. They put gravy on their french fries - and look at you very funny when you ask for "no gravy".
3. Potato Skins are actually THE SKIN OF POTATOS - not the same are America.
4. I was told I sounded like I was from Australia.
5. Nobody likes the government - probably because the tax rate is 14%!!!
6. People are very friendly and talkative - they walk right up to you and start talking about stuff. I almost punched the first guy who did it. I was scared!
7. No one locks their bikes - ANYWHERE. Outside of the supermarket, the drug store, the park - no locks on bikes, EVER.
8. The don't have Mt. Dew - instead its called Dew Fuel. I forgot to take a picture.
9. "Detour" means - the lanes up ahead and merging into one road. NOT - you have to take an alternate route.

Luckily, almost all of the Canadians we talked to were VERY willing to teach us about their culture and their country - without treating us like we were morons.

One really odd fact is that there is no SET exchange rate. At the Gas Stations there was NO EXCHANGE RATE. At the Beer Store it was 1.06 to 1. At the restaurants it was 1.09 to 1. At the Park it was 1.11 to 1. Eventually we asked someone after things weren't making sense. Basically, there is no set rate - each business can set their own rate. However, this is the bank rate: They BUY U.S. Dollars at a rate of 1.09 to 1, and the SELL U.S. Dollars at the rate of 1.13 to 1. It's an odd country... But, I can't complain about the service and the kindness. At the final gas station we stopped at - we were trying to spend the rest of our Canadian Dollars, and we forgot about the 14% Sales Tax, and ended up being 30 cents short - the guy at the counter was like, "Forget aboot it. It's cool. I'll take care of it." REALLY!?!?! Yep. The guy said we were fine, and let us go. It was cool, good kharma for you - Canadian Gas Station Man.

Also, we learned that in school the Canadians have to learn the U.S. Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem. It was crazy to hear that. This one girl we talked to told us that she could probably answer more questions about United States history than we could about Canadian history. We didn't even test her, or argue with her, we told her she was right.

The ENTIRE time were we in Canada, we NEVER ONCE saw a police car or police man, and we only saw the Park Ranger once. Also, sadly, I never got to see the two guys on horseback... Someone told us that we'd only see law enforcement "...if something was really wrong..." Interesting...

There WAS NOT a McDonalds the entire time we were there. Although, we were told there was one in Toronto. Also, NO STARBUCKS. However, we were told there was one in London, but only in a bookstore called Chapters. Appearently, that's their version of Borders.

If only people in American could be nice as Canadian. I look forward to going back sometime. It was a REALLY GREAT TRIP.

Oh, and we camped too. And we were eaten alive by mosquitos. We forgot citronella candles. That was a MISTAKE!