Circa Ten Years Later

Today is my birthday.
Big deal.
I've never been one to celebrate birthdays, and this year is worse than normal.

I'm 28. I graduated High School ten years and three days ago.

Three days before I turned 18, I graduated from Lawrence Central.

I was a high school senior, with big dreams in my eyes. And ten years later, I have to look back at those big dreams...

I wanted to be married. And I was. And it was amazing. Sadly, for various reasons it didn't work out. I miss how prooud my parents were of me. This girl caused me to "settle down". My parents loved her, my grandparents loved her, I was madly in love with her, and then my world came crashing down. Between now and 30 was when I thought that "kids" would come into play. Sadly, that didn't happen. And sadly, I doubt anyone will ever want to commit to me, and do the whole kids thing. It just doesn't look to be in my cards.

I wanted to be a lawyer. Yeah, that didn't last long. It wasn't too long before I decided I wanted to be a filmmaker, which changed my goals to finishing film school. While I tried TWICE to become a film student - I failed both times. I also failed when I tried to be a German Major. I just don't seem to be good at school. Also, I love making money, and I tried to supper my ex-wife while she was in school. Either way, I was a loser in comparison to where I wanted my life to be. School just did not work out. And for those who didn't know: I was pre-law when I graduated high school. I picked my girlfriend over college - and that screwed up my life. Who knows where I could have been, if I just cut ties and moved on. Went to college in Kentucky - met new people - and didn't live the life I did. Probably never would have lived in California, and I never would have met Kristen - who I believed (and somewhat still do) to be the Love of My Life. But, instead I picked a girl - because I thought she made me happy.

That was a BIG mistake in my life. Because not only did "She" cause me to be physically damaging to my body (tried to slit my wrist), she permanently screwed me up me up emotionally and psychologically - she caused me a large amount of legal trouble. Legal trouble that I wish was not on my record, and was not public knowledge - especially since she made lots of false claims - and never showed up in court, because she know they were false.

Her psychological mis-treatment of me led to my (now expunged) "criminal" record. It was the lowest point in my life. Spending time in a "mental treatment facility" and making HORRIBLE personal decisions. Drugs, alcohol, and theft. They all added up to a long list of dis-appointments I caused in my parents life. It was probably the WORST time of my life - and if not for my Father and Danny Smith, I probably would have ended up dead. I can vividly remember the day my Mother asked me to come to her office - and I was "ambushed" by Dad and Danny - and immediately taken to Charter Hospital (which doesn't exist anymore...). I was SO MAD at that point - but I now realize that it was a turning point in my life. And if not for the three of them, I probably would have ended up dead near that time. I was at a very destructive point, and needed intervention to improve my living condition.

So, the "roller coaster" of the last ten years started out on a low. It came up high when I was working on "Consternate" with Jason. My "big sister" Brandy James was one of the few people who helped me through my "low" emotional time, and I remember the night I spent at her house, with Joe Langlais and Jason Maier. It changed my life forever, because it was the night Jason and I decided to renew our High School Friendship (I still have the picture of Jason, Joe and I on graduation night...) and it was not too much longer before I was talking about making a film with Jason. Jason's older brother - Dave - helped me get back on my feet with a job, and getting fired from Clearwater was another low-point my life, when I knew I let down both David and Jason. Once again, I just became a "screw up" in everyone's eyes.

I moved to California. It was my first attempt at being an "adult" on my own. It lasted six months. It should have lasted longer, but I was somewhat homesick - and scared to make long-term commitments to live with people I didn't know. I took the easy way out, and now I regret it. I did NOT regret it while I was married, because my return to Indy resulted in meeting Kristen, and being happily (at first) married. But, while I lived in Los Angeles, I was involved with a very cool and beautiful Latino girl - who could have broken my heart just as easily as Kristen did. Small pain, different city, less moving. I could have dealt with that. I should have moved in with Sergio, Eli or Hans - the three people who offered my a place to live, when I got semi-kicked out of my living place.

Life went pretty good from the end of 2001 until the middle of 2006. I came back to Indy, I met Kristen, I got married, my parents were proud of me, my family started seeing me as an adult, I got treated different, I felt like an adult - life was good. Then, for various reason - which I'm sure were my fault - I disappointed everyone by screwing up my relationship with Kristen, and the end result was divorce. While I just wanted a "break" and some time apart to think about things, I was suddenly served with divorce papers. It turned out Kristen knew what she wanted, and did NOT need time to think about it. I failed as a husband in the last ten years. I gave one woman everything I possibly could, and I got served with divorce papers in the end, and was denied ever seeing my dog - which I raise from a puppy. I know I was at fault, and I know I did a lot of things wrong - but given some time to think, I know I would have attempted to reconcile with Kristen. But, that's not what she was interested in. She didn't love me, she didn't want me. And she made that very clear. I failed at being a husband, I failed at being a significant other, and I failed in everyone's eys because someone wanted to divorce me. It was NOT what I wanted, but I have always wanted to make Kristen happy - so I did not fight her. And that was a mistake. If I asked the judge to order counseling - then maybe we could have worked things out. But, I didn't. Once again, it was my fault.

Basically, when I turned 18, my parent's allowed me to become an adult. I suppose it was an experiment to see if I could live up to their first 18 years of "training". I know in the past ten years, I've done a lot of things they are not proud of. I know I still do things that they do not approve of. I know I don't seem to be as religious as they would like - which goes back to my distaste for established religion, and my fight for spirituality to be between ME and GOD and NO ONE else. I know I've disappointed them. I'm only human. But, the best part is that my parents still love me. Despite all the things I do wrong. Despite my divorce, and my shaming their name and their family - they still love me. They are true examples of Unconditional Love. Obviously better than I can be, as I failed in marriage, and may never have the chance to give them grandchildren.

Ten Years and three days later. WHAT do I have to be happy about on this birthday?

I've got awesome parents, who I've already explained to be the epitome of Unconditional Love.

I've got a cool brother, who is fun to talk to, despite our different lifestyles and goals.

I've got Jason L. Maier, and his wife, who allow me to come to Boston and visit them when I need a break from Indianapolis. They allow me to invade their lives, and hang out.

I've got Zach Proctor - who I have known for 15 years, over HALF of my life. I've also got Jenny, Zach's wife. Who, despite being friends with Kristen, is still willing to be friends with me. She won't pick sides, she still defends Kristen when I talk about her, but (from what I'm told) she defends me against Kristen's comments.

I've got Sergio. My closest friend while I lived in California, and the ONLY person I can call at 2am (because that's only 11pm to him!!!) when I am depressed and need someone to talk to, or vent to, or cry to. And he listens to it all.

I've got Phil. I share a townhouse with a really cool, really easy-going, really laid back person, who I've never been in a fight (physical or verbal) with.

I've got Troy, who I can always count on to make me laugh and smile anytime we hang out. From poker nights to me teaching him how to work Blogger - I just really enjoy spending time with him.

I've got David Maier. A man who I've always looked up to. A family man, who is a real inspiration. A man who has such a beautiful and perfect family, that I could only dream of having something half as good as he does - and only wish Kristen and I worked out as well as Dave and Jennifer did - with Samantha and Drew as proof of their love and hard work. The entire Maier Clan is amazing - and know how to love families.

I've also got a very large group of friends, who I love to hang out with in their own time. From Justin and Fallon to Kyle and Elise. From Samir to Michael Maier. From Matt ("Cheech") and Lily to Matt ("Bear") and Andy to Eddie and Aaron. I've been able to make a lot of friends - all of whom accept me for who I am, and treat me like a real person.

So, here I am. Ten years and three days later. So much to think about. Basically a third of my life has gone by. There's been up, there's been downs. I've been happy, and I've been depressed. I'm made films, and I've been in love.

Despite all the failures and shortcomings that I feel responsible for, I have lived my life. And for the most part, I've live it how I wanted to. So, sitting here, right now, on my 28th Birthday - all I can do is Thank God that I am alive. Thank God that I loved someone as much as a loved Kristen. Thank God for protecting me, and getting me this far along in life. And Thank God for blessing me with the people who have watched over me, protected me, and kept me out of more trouble.

The past tens are FAR, FAR, FAR from what I wanted them to be.

But, they've made me who I am today.

And when I look back, despite all the heartache, despite all the pain, despite all of the nights I've cried myself to sleep: I've got the most important things in the world. Family. Friends. And people who act like they love me. So, despite how much I feel like a failure - I know I've got people who tell this Failure to keep trying. And maybe one day, I'll make them all proud of me. I can only hope that I can re-gain trust in all of the people I've let down.

So, right now, I vow to make the next ten years of my life - Better than EVER before.

"Live like you mean it. / Love 'til you feel it. / It's all that we've got in our lives..."

And, I just want to take one second to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to all the people who have helped me through the rough times, the good times, and the times I don't want to talk about. Without each one of you - Shane wouldn't be celebrating 28 years. I'm only alive this day, due to my friends and family who have kept me off the destructive path I started 10 years ago.

I promise to make the next ten years better than last.